Jurassic Magic

JM Journal

Are coffee good for plants?

Grounds for Contemplation: A Eulogy for Starbucks Compost, Ode to a Garden's Secret Fuel.

The simple answer is YES, why? Coffee grounds have a high nitrogen content, along with a few other nutrients plants can use.

Poetic answer?? As follows.

So there you sit, nestled in your ironic, sustainably sourced mug, the steam of your artisanal Ethiopian Yirgacheffe curling like wisps of existential angst above the porcelain. You've sipped, you've savored, you've mumbled vaguely about "mouthfeel" and "bright acidity," and now, at the bottom of your chalice, lies the detritus of your bourgeois ritual: coffee grounds.

But these, my friend, are no mere dregs. They are a microcosm of life's absurd dance, a punchline scribbled in caffeine on the napkin of existence. For within those damp, compacted granules lies a paradox as potent as a venti latte on an empty stomach.

They are, on the one hand, nitrogenous bounty, a promise of verdant glory whispered to rhododendrons and blueberries. Azaleas swoon at their acidic serenade, their blooms bursting forth like manic smiles on a post-ironic Instagram feed. Yet, beneath this surface of fertility lurks a darkness, a glint of potential suffocation. These grounds, born of fire and pretentious air roasting, can smother nascent roots, petrify the soil into a concrete tomb for dreams of heirloom tomatoes.

So tread carefully, oh horticultural hipster. Approach your plot with the neurotic precision of a barista crafting a soy latte with a triple shot and extra foam. Sprinkle the grounds like existential confetti, a whisper of doubt on the wind, not a volcanic eruption of misplaced optimism. Let them decompose in the slow, bureaucratic waltz of microbes and worms, a testament to the Sisyphean futility of all earthly endeavors.

For the truth is, it's not just about nitrogen, my friend. It's about the absurdity of it all, the cosmic joke of life and death playing out in your backyard. It's the air, the water, the sun, the shadow, all locked in a tango of indifferent entropy. Treat your soil like the ironic canvas it is, a backdrop for the inevitable fade to black, and the coffee grounds, a mere garnish in the tragicomedy of existence.

But listen closely, you green-thumbed nihilist. For even in their potential peril, the coffee grounds whisper a truth. They remind us that life, like a lukewarm Americano, is best savored with a knowing wink. It's a cacophony of contradictions, a bittersweet symphony of darkness and light, caffeine and contemplation.

So raise your mug, raise your trowel, and toast to the grounds. Not as a panacea, but as a sardonic footnote, a whispered "meh" in the grand narrative of your garden. And as your kale, fueled by a touch of java-infused futility, bursts forth in all its spindly glory, remember, it's the existential dread you pour in, not the grounds themselves, that will make it truly bloom.

Now go forth, my ironic gardener, and compost with a shrug. Let your plot be a satire of sustainability, a haiku of humus tinged with despair, a limerick of leafy laughter choked by the inevitable march of entropy. And may your coffee grounds, used with a healthy dose of nihilism, add a pinch of ironic magic to the ever-unfurling poem of your pointless, glorious garden.